**Why We Fixate on Our Partner’s Former Flames**
One evening, 22-year-old Holly* was relaxing on the couch with her boyfriend, Harvey, at his family’s residence when he nonchalantly remarked that his ex, Harmony, had an [OnlyFans](https://mashable.com/article/onlyfans-money-average-pay) account. Holly jokingly commented that she would sign up for Harmony’s page, and they both laughed.
But Holly was serious.
Later that night, she located Harmony’s profile and subscribed. She had already browsed through Harmony’s Instagram, scrutinizing old pictures of her and Harvey at prom, in school uniforms, and on their vacations together. However, combing through her OnlyFans felt distinct—like she was uncovering a completely new aspect of her. “It was like encountering a different character altogether,” Holly expressed.
### The Temptation of Comparison
“I would analyze photos of her breasts, butt, vagina, etc., and measure how I stacked up,” Holly confessed. “I simply wanted to see how her nipples compared to mine.”
In today’s digital landscape, our partner’s romantic history is merely a few clicks away. For those susceptible to curiosity—or even obsession—this easy access can be captivating. We often find ourselves lying in bed, scrolling through LinkedIn profiles, old selfies, and social media updates from our partner’s exes. The act feels both shameful and irresistible, akin to scratching an itchy mosquito bite—painful yet strangely fulfilling, always leaving us wanting more.
But why do we engage in this behavior?
### Is Retroactive Jealousy a Gendered Phenomenon?
Psychotherapist [Toby Ingham](https://tobyingham.com/manage-retroactive-jealousy/) has researched what is termed [“retroactive jealousy,”](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Retroactive-Jealousy-Making-Sense-obsessing-ebook/dp/B0BYTMHKRV) which refers to the preoccupation with a partner’s past relationships. According to Ingham, this fixation is frequently rooted in deeper emotional scars—issues that existed long before any romantic entanglements. “It’s less about the ex or even the partner,” he clarified, “and more about [attachment issues](https://mashable.com/article/attachment-theory-explained) from childhood.”
When I proposed that retroactive jealousy might be more prevalent among women, Ingham disagreed. “In my experience, it’s mostly *men* who become fixated on their partner’s former relationships,” he noted, mentioning that he has encountered more male clients grappling with this issue.
This revelation caught me off guard. I had always perceived this fixation as primarily a female phenomenon—much like the way I’ve compared my physique to my friends’ since I was 11. When I questioned my male friends about how often they considered their partner’s exes, they appeared perplexed by the query. They acknowledged they might be interested in who their ex dates *after* them, but not those they dated *before*.
Writer Camille Sojit Pejcha, who operates the [Pleasure Seeking](https://www.pleasure-seeking.com) Substack, has addressed [“stalking her ex’s former partners.”](https://www.documentjournal.com/2024/03/bisexual-comphet-internet-stalking-ex-as-a-queer-rite-of-passage-column-camille-sojit-pejcha/) “I have never encountered a man who has dealt with this,” she stated. “Women are so conditioned to be hyper-aware of their own appearance as well as that of others.”
In 2006, psychoanalyst Dr. Darian Leader introduced the term [“Rebecca Syndrome,”](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/rebecca-syndrome-6231623.html) describing the obsessive preoccupation with a partner’s ex. Drawing from Daphne du Maurier’s novel *Rebecca*, in which the protagonist becomes consumed by thoughts of her lover’s deceased wife, Leader suggested that this fixation is intrinsically linked to female identity. “It’s as if the woman who preceded holds the key,” he elaborated.
While no studies have definitively established whether “Rebecca Syndrome” is more common among women, research indicates that women are more likely to [compare themselves](https://www.oxjournal.org/social-comparison-on-social-media/) to others on social media and engage in [“upward comparison,”](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/education/articles/10.3389/feduc.2021.815619/full) where they assess themselves against someone perceived as superior. This isn’t surprising—my Instagram Explore page is filled with advertisements for cosmetic enhancements, while my straight male friends’ feeds are populated with images of women with large breasts.
### Social Media and the Obsession Cycle
The intrigue with our partner’s exes is not a new phenomenon