**How to Stop Undermining Yourself on Dating Apps and Begin Dating with Purpose**
Have you ever found yourself mindlessly scrolling through a dating app, dismissing profiles for reasons that are difficult to articulate? If that sounds familiar, the issue might not lie with the profiles—it may be within yourself.
As someone in my late 30s who has cultivated a thriving PR career in London, I’ve always cherished my independence and the life I’ve crafted. However, that independence has also led to a fear of being vulnerable and a tendency to shy away from emotional intimacy. For those acquainted with *Attached* by Amir Levine, I fit the mold of the avoidant attachment style: avoiding closeness? Check. Trouble trusting others? Check. Overly independent? Triple check.
My path to understanding this aspect of myself began when I participated in the inaugural season of Netflix’s *Love is Blind UK*. The experience compelled me to re-evaluate my relationship approach, and since then, I’ve become a spokesperson for Bumble, engaging in panels, podcasts, and sharing insights on my Instagram regarding dating and relationship dynamics. Although this isn’t designed as a self-help manual, I’ve discovered that our usage of dating apps frequently reflects how we engage in relationships more broadly.
### How Avoidant Attachment Styles Manifest on Dating Apps
For those unaware, individuals with avoidant attachment styles yearn for connection but grapple with intimacy. It’s an ongoing tug-of-war between desiring love and fearing vulnerability. As psychotherapist Louise Whitnall notes, avoidants often come from backgrounds with emotionally distant caregivers, which resonates with my own upbringing. She highlights that when relationships require true intimacy, avoidants might abruptly cut them off—a pattern I’ve observed in my own experiences.
On dating apps, my avoidant traits emerged as a focus on physical appearance, endless scrolling, and reluctance to engage deeply. At times, I would undermine myself by not progressing conversations, afraid of rejection. It wasn’t until I began therapy in my early 30s that I recognized how these habits were hindering my progress.
### The Issue with Thoughtless Swiping
For years, I swiped without a specific intention, turning away potential matches for trivial reasons like their interests or the way they wrote their bio. The problem wasn’t necessarily the profiles; rather, I was dodging the discomfort associated with forming connections. This mindless scrolling can lead to two pitfalls:
1. **Seeking Validation**: Each match delivers a brief dopamine surge that validates your desirability. However, like any fleeting high, it’s not sustainable, leaving you in pursuit of more matches rather than meaningful relationships.
2. **Evading Vulnerability**: Keeping conversations on the surface creates a false sense of connection, sparing you from having to open up. While this may seem safe, it inhibits the development of deeper relationships.
What I’ve come to understand is that meaningful connections necessitate risk and authentic engagement.
### Identifying Your Swiping Patterns
One of my significant insights was realizing how my dating app behavior mirrored my real-life actions. The hasty judgments I made while scrolling echoed my inclination to be overly critical in other areas of my life. If you suspect you might be undermining yourself on dating apps, consider these questions:
– Do you swipe without reading bios or pausing to look at photos?
– Do you quickly dismiss individuals for trivial reasons (e.g., “They’re not my type,” or “That hobby is odd”)?
– Do you match with people but hesitate to send messages or disappear when things get serious?
– Do you view matches as a “score,” with more matches boosting your self-worth?
If you nodded to any of these, you could be entrapped in a cycle of self-sabotage. These habits may seem like they’re safeguarding you, but in truth, they’re obstructing you from authentic connections.
### How to Date with Purpose
So, how do you liberate yourself from aimless scrolling and start dating with intention? It begins by turning your focus inward and engaging in self-reflection. Here’s my five-step strategy for dating with purpose:
1. **Prioritize Self-Discovery**
Before jumping into dating, take time to clarify what you’re seeking in a partner and why you may be dodging intimacy. This might mean stepping back from dating apps for a while. Journaling, therapy, and mindfulness practices can assist you in uncovering patterns and laying a robust groundwork.
2. **Establish Clear Intentions**
Be candid about what you desire in a relationship. Bumble’s research indicates that many women prioritize stability and emotional reliability. Whether you’re after something casual or serious, express it clearly—dating apps often provide features to communicate your intentions.
3. **Enhance Your Profile**
Instead of listing generic hobbies, use your bio to reflect your personality and values. Consider how your closest friend would portray you and incorporate that description. Authenticity and vulnerability can significantly enhance your chances of attracting meaningful matches.
4. **Stay Open-Minded About Preferences**
While physical attraction matters, don’t let superficial criteria keep you from discovering someone special. Swipe at a more leisurely pace.