Breaking up is challenging. You’re not just facing the emotions of parting ways with someone you cared for, but you’re also grieving the future you had envisioned together while managing the logistics of disentangling your lives, both in the digital space and in real life.
During heartbreak, it may feel like there’s no escape. I’ve often typed “how to move on from a breakup” while navigating a broken heart. Therefore, I consulted dating specialists and therapists to discover ways to progress after a relationship concludes.
The psychology behind a breakup
Relationship therapist Alexis Friedlander points out that grasping the psychological and neurological elements of a breakup is essential. “When you end a relationship, you’re not merely letting go of that bond; you’re sorrowing over the future you pictured and a segment of your identity,” he elaborates. “Psychologists refer to this as Self-Expansion Theory: within relationships, our identities incorporate our partners, making separation feel like losing part of ourselves.”
If you’re the one being left, you may experience a profound sense of rejection. It’s natural for that to hurt. Our brains are designed to interpret rejection as a survival threat because it was historically necessary for humans to stay within groups. As I mention in my book, The Love Fix, “fMRI studies indicate that when we face rejection, the same areas of our brain light up as when we endure physical discomfort. One particular research found that paracetamol alleviates the emotional distress stemming from rejection.” In that study, individuals taking Tylenol reported significantly reduced pain levels compared to those receiving a placebo.
Breakups can reopen previous wounds, Friedlander notes. “If you harbor a fear of abandonment, the separation can evoke old traumas, intensifying the suffering.” However, emotional distress is not a sign of frailty. It’s simply how our brains and bodies react to loss. “This discomfort is standard,” he states. “It’s not fragility; it’s your mind and body responding to the loss of something profoundly significant.”
Allow yourself time to process your emotions
Dating coach and relationship expert Courtney Boyer stresses the importance of giving yourself the freedom to experience your feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. “Take the time to grieve the end of a relationship and the absence of someone significant in your life. You may feel compelled to rush through it because confronting your feelings can be painful. This is why effective coping methods are crucial.”
Leanne Yau, a polyamory educator and relationship coach at Poly Philia, mentions, “Breakups involve grappling with a form of grief and loss. Recovery and growth are not straightforward.”
Avoid imposing deadlines on your heartbreak. “Exercise patience with yourself… it will take as long as it needs,” Yau adds.
Is it possible to be friends with an ex?
It’s common to desire to keep some connection post-breakup. This person was once your closest companion, and you shared everything. But can you truly be friends with someone you once cared for romantically? When Carrie Bradshaw ended her relationship with Big, she pondered: “If you loved someone and part ways… where does the love go?”
I’ve hurried into friendship too quickly for misguided reasons. Reflect on why you want to remain friends. Is it because you cherish them as an individual, or are you hoping they’ll reconsider and fall in love with you again? If it’s the latter, maintaining a friendship might not be wise. Safeguard your mental health. Listen to Ariana Grande’s “we can’t be friends” and rethink the idea of friendship.
Zachary Zane, Grindr’s sex and relationship expert, highlights that one of the biggest mistakes following a breakup is attempting to be friends with your ex too quickly. “If you’re going to be friends, what’s the rush? Wait a year before reaching out. Don’t limit it to just a month or two,” says Zane.
If friendship holds significance and is for the right reasons, be aware it will require effort. Yau states: “Remaining friends after a breakup is more challenging than making a clean break — it necessitates work, intention, and emotional clarity.”
Recall the reasons for the breakup
It’s easy to remember your previous relationship in an overly positive light. During moments of doubt, you might convince yourself they were flawless. However, remind yourself of the reasons for your breakup. Things weren’t functioning.
Sex educator Topher Taylor emphasizes the necessity of accepting the reasons behind the relationship’s collapse. “It’s natural to idealize your situation after a breakup, particularly if you’re the ‘dumpee,’ and view everything through a dreamy lens. Some even create an entirely different narrative.”
Taylor shares that one of his past relationships ended due to communication failures. “This resulted in me finding him dull and not enjoying my daily life. But I excused his behavior because it seemed easier than being alone,” states Taylor. “Therefore, I kept reminders of the reasons for the relationship’s demise. I wrote a message on my phone’s lock screen, placed a note on my fridge, and scattered notes around my home.”
Creating a list of reasons for the breakup can be beneficial, particularly when romanticization begins to creep in. I’ve also found it useful to maintain a list of red flags about exes to remind myself of moments I felt a lack of attraction.